Episode 238 comes in response to a request from a long-time PBSE listener. Here's her submission—
Can you talk about the "3 second rule" and why it’s not an ok rule?! Many people talk about it and/or say they’ve read, heard, or had addicts, partners, therapists, suggest this rule. I love the way you’ve described what crap that is because an addict's mind doesn’t need 3 seconds to go to addiction thoughts. I can’t recall if you’ve ever talked about it on PBSE. I think maybe, but on D2C, I’ve heard you talk much more specifically about how that’s a crap idea. Thanks guys! I think it could help so many people to know that it’s not a good rule or way to avoid scanning and objectifying. And that using tools like mindfulness… and having a plan before going out and for each and every action through the day is a better way.
First, what is the “3-Second Rule”?\
Why did it become a “thing” over the years? How is this “quick-fix/treating-the-symptom” vs. “real recovery and change”?
The “3-second rule” would be considered a very basic recovery concept
Based around trying to curb urges around scanning, objectifying, or other voyeuristic behaviors.
The notion behind it may be “good” in some ways, but has shown to become problematic for addicts in recovery:
A lot can happen in 3 seconds!
Can/has been interpreted as “giving permission” to look, so long as it's for a short time.
It focuses way too much on the “don’ts” and not enough on the “do’s."
It doesn’t bring about lasting change—focuses only on symptom management
What to do instead?
"Check your intention at the door"—What am I here for? How am I "purpose-driven"?
Plan in advance—what will I do WHEN, not if, triggers come up for me?
Create easy access to "centering" resources - phone calls, reach-out texts, virtual meetings, etc.
Tools—surrender, empathy, practicing holistic connection—humanizing.
Practicing being FULLY PRESENT in a situation
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com
Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling
Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services