This episode, number 244, the PBSE podcast explores the complex dynamics of relationships affected by addiction and betrayal, specifically addressing whether it’s a partner's responsibility to make their porn-addicted partner feel comfortable enough to be truthful. It highlights the immense emotional toll of betrayal trauma on partners, emphasizing the importance of setting boundaries, communicating effectively, and focusing on their own healing rather than trying to control the addict's behavior. For addicts, the article stresses the necessity of taking full responsibility for their actions, embracing discomfort, and committing to honesty and accountability in their recovery process. It underscores that recovery is a shared journey requiring both parties to work on their respective roles, with empathy, support, and professional guidance being critical components in rebuilding trust and connection.
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Inside this Episode:
Introduction
In this episode of the PBSE podcast, hosts Steven and Mark tackle a tough and emotionally charged question submitted by a listener: “Is it my responsibility to make my porn-addicted partner feel comfortable so he will consistently tell me the truth?” This submission, which comes from a partner grappling with betrayal, broken trust, and the challenge of navigating recovery alongside her partner’s addiction, reflects the deep and often conflicting emotions felt by those affected by addiction. As we explore this question, we aim to offer guidance for both the partner of the addict and the addict himself, shedding light on how to navigate these complex dynamics.
For partners, the betrayal of repeated lies and deceit can be devastating, eroding the foundations of trust and security within the relationship. For addicts, feelings of shame and fear often drive dishonest behavior, creating a destructive cycle that undermines the recovery process. This article, based on the episode, dives deep into these issues, providing insights, practical advice, and compassionate perspectives for those facing similar struggles.
The Betrayed Partner’s Dilemma: Caught in a Cycle of Lies
The listener’s question reflects a reality faced by many betrayed partners of addicts: how to support their partner’s recovery while safeguarding their own emotional health. Partners often feel trapped between wanting to help and protect their loved one and the need to protect themselves from further hurt. In the submission, the partner writes:
“As a partner of an addict, what can I do to help my partner feel more supported during his recovery so that he may feel more comfortable telling me the truth? Time and time again, I have caught him in lies or omissions, and it’s eating away at the trust in our relationship.”
This question speaks to the heart of many partners’ struggles. After repeated betrayals, partners often begin to internalize blame, questioning their own actions and wondering if they are somehow responsible for their partner’s dishonesty. The partner’s plea is laced with a sense of helplessness—a desire to know what more she can do to create an environment where her addict partner feels safe enough to be honest. This is a question rooted in love, but also in pain.
It’s important to understand that this kind of questioning is a natural response to betrayal trauma. Partners often feel responsible for their addict’s actions, not because they are truly at fault, but because the addict’s behavior has consistently violated the relationship’s foundational trust. The fear of continued betrayal can be overwhelming, and many partners mistakenly believe that if they could just find the right approach, say the right words, or provide the perfect support, they could fix the situation. However, this misplaced sense of responsibility only serves to deepen their emotional wounds.
Recognizing the Pain: The Impact of Betrayal Trauma
The pain of betrayal trauma is profound and multifaceted, affecting every aspect of a partner’s emotional, mental, and even physical health. For many partners, the repeated discovery of lies or omissions feels like a constant reopening of old wounds. The partner’s letter captures this pain vividly:
“Most recently, we engaged in physical intimacy, and I could tell immediately that he had been looking at porn that day. I can’t explain it—I just knew. I felt used, like my body was simply a means to an end for him, like a masturbation device.”
This statement highlights a common but often unspoken experience for partners of addicts. The sense of being objectified or used by someone they love deeply can be incredibly painful. This feeling isn’t just about the betrayal of infidelity or the broken promises of recovery—it’s about the loss of safety, trust, and emotional connection in the relationship. Many partners describe feeling like their body is not their own, that their consent has been violated because they were not fully informed about their partner’s behavior.
Steven and Mark emphasize the reality that many partners can sense when their addict partner has been acting out. This intuitive knowing, often dismissed or downplayed by the addict, is a significant part of the betrayal trauma experience. Partners frequently report feeling disconnected, uneasy, or violated during moments of intimacy when they sense their partner has been engaging in secretive behaviors like pornography use. These experiences add another layer of hurt, as they often confirm fears that the addict’s behavior is continuing despite promises to change.
Partners are left questioning their own perceptions, battling against the addict’s deflections, and struggling to trust themselves and their reality. This dynamic can lead to a form of gaslighting, whether intentional or not, where the partner is made to feel as though their valid feelings and perceptions are exaggerated or unwarranted. The result is a deep and often paralyzing confusion, as partners grapple with the disconnect between their instincts and the addict’s reassurances.
Here's a past PBSE podcast that focusing in on the issue of "gaslighting"—https://www.pbsepodcast.com/post/has-your-addict-partner-truly-forgotten-his-past-discretions-or-is-he-gaslighting-you
Setting Boundaries: The Partner’s Role in Recovery
Given the deep wounds inflicted by betrayal, one of the most crucial steps for partners is to establish clear boundaries. Boundaries are essential for protecting the partner’s emotional health and maintaining their sense of self in the face of the addict’s behaviors. Steven and Mark emphasize that boundaries are not about controlling the addict; they are about safeguarding the partner’s own needs and values.
“Boundaries are never intended to control or change another person. They are only intended to protect your authentic wants and needs. You put boundaries in place to protect that. When someone violates what is authentic to your wants and needs in life, then you have consequences.”
The partner’s submission illustrates her attempt to set a boundary in response to her partner’s dishonesty:
“I have since made it clear respectfully that I do not wish to engage in intercourse while information about his sexual activities is being withheld from me.”
This is an example of a boundary that prioritizes the partner’s emotional safety and need for informed consent. It communicates a clear expectation: honesty is a prerequisite for intimacy. Boundaries like this one are not about punishing the addict but rather about protecting the partner’s right to make informed decisions about their own body and their participation in the relationship.
However, setting boundaries is only part of the equation. Partners must also be prepared to enforce these boundaries consistently. This often involves difficult decisions and uncomfortable conversations. For some partners, enforcing boundaries may mean temporarily stepping back from the relationship, seeking separate living arrangements, or engaging in couples therapy to address the root issues. Whatever the specific boundaries are, it’s critical that they are clear, consistent, and reflective of the partner’s authentic needs.
For more guidance on the topic of "boundaries," and specifically the issue of a betrayed partner "setting sexual boundaries," please see this past PBSE podcast—https://www.pbsepodcast.com/post/what-is-betrayal-trauma-part-three-setting-sexual-boundaries
Communicating Effectively: Balancing Vulnerability and Strength
Communicating boundaries and needs effectively is a skill that partners must cultivate, especially when dealing with the emotional turbulence of betrayal trauma. Steven and Mark discuss the importance of expressing not just the surface emotions like anger but also the deeper, more vulnerable feelings that often underlie those reactions:
“When we express anger with a partner, which is totally fine, it is important to be expressing that in a way that also communicates the vulnerable primary emotions behind the anger. What is really hurting me here?”
This approach can be challenging, particularly when emotions are running high, but it is essential for maintaining healthy communication. Expressing anger alone often leads to defensive reactions, with the addict shutting down or becoming combative. However, when partners can articulate the deeper feelings—such as fear, sadness, hurt, or betrayal—it can foster a more authentic and empathetic dialogue.
For example, in addition to saying, “I’m furious that you lied to me again,” (which is totally legitimate) a partner might also express, “I feel deeply hurt and scared because I can’t trust what you’re telling me.” This kind of communication doesn’t let the addict off the hook, but it shifts the conversation from a confrontational stance to one that opens the door for more honest, vulnerable exchanges.
However, it’s also important for partners to recognize when communication is not being reciprocated healthily. If an addict consistently responds with defensiveness, blame-shifting, or manipulation, it may be necessary for the partner to set firmer boundaries around communication or to seek support from a therapist who can help navigate these difficult dynamics. Effective communication is a two-way street, and while partners can strive to express themselves clearly and vulnerably, they cannot—and should not—force an addict who is unwilling to engage honestly.
The Addict’s Responsibility: Owning the Path to Recovery
For addicts, the question of honesty and accountability is central to the recovery process. It is not the partner’s job to create a perfect environment that makes truth-telling easier for the addict. Instead, addicts must take ownership of their actions and commit to transparency as a non-negotiable part of their recovery journey. Steven and Mark are unequivocal about the addict’s role in the relationship:
“We know this is uncomfortable and it’s scary for a whole myriad of reasons. But when we act out, to use a visceral example, we’ve already stuck the knife in. The only difference is we haven’t done the courtesy of telling our partner that it’s there.”
This powerful analogy highlights the reality that the harm has already been done when an addict acts out, whether or not they choose to disclose it. The act of hiding the truth compounds the betrayal, leaving the partner in a state of emotional limbo. For addicts, this is often driven by shame, fear of confrontation, or a desire to avoid the consequences of their actions. However, withholding the truth is not a kindness; it is a continuation of the harm.
Truth-telling at all costs is the baseline expectation for any addict serious about recovery. It means being honest even when it’s hard, even when it risks anger, and even when it might lead to difficult conversations. This level of transparency is non-negotiable if the addict hopes to rebuild trust and move forward in a healthy way. It requires a fundamental shift in how the addict approaches their relationship—not as something to be managed through deceit but as a space where honesty, however painful, is the only path to genuine connection and healing.
Embracing Discomfort: Learning to Sit with Difficult Emotions
A significant part of recovery for addicts is learning to sit with uncomfortable emotions. Addicts often use their addiction as an escape from negative feelings—shame, fear, guilt—and this avoidance can extend into their relationships. Steven and Mark stress the importance of addicts developing the ability to sit in these uncomfortable places without deflecting or blaming their partner.
“Where am I growing in my capacities to practice owning uncomfortable things, being in uncomfortable dialogues, sitting in things that I used to run away from?”
This willingness to face discomfort is essential for true recovery. It’s not enough to merely stop the addictive behavior; addicts must also confront the emotional triggers and unhealthy coping mechanisms that fueled their addiction in the first place. By doing so, they can begin to rebuild trust and repair the damage their actions have caused.
Addicts must also recognize the patterns of avoidance that have kept them stuck in their addiction. This might include emotional shutdowns, angry outbursts, or withdrawing when confronted with difficult conversations. To break these patterns, addicts need to engage in deep, often painful self-reflection. They must ask themselves: Why am I responding this way? What am I trying to avoid feeling? What would it look like to sit with this discomfort instead of running from it?
Practicing mindfulness, journaling, or working with a therapist are all tools that can help addicts develop this skill. It’s about building the muscle of emotional resilience, so that when difficult moments arise—whether it’s disclosing a relapse, facing a partner’s pain, or simply sitting with their own guilt—they can stay present, honest, and engaged.
The Partner’s Path to Healing: Letting Go of Misplaced Responsibility
One of the most challenging but necessary steps for partners is to let go of the misplaced responsibility for their addict partner’s recovery. Partners cannot fix their addict; they cannot make them tell the truth or prevent them from acting out. The addict’s recovery is their own journey, and the partner’s focus should be on their own healing and boundaries.
Steven and Mark emphasize the importance of surrender:
“You surrender the difference. Using healthy skill sets, the rest of it is on him. That’s his job.”
Partners are encouraged to focus on their own self-care, seek support from professionals, and connect with others who understand their experiences. This can include joining support groups, engaging in individual therapy, or participating in couples therapy with a professional who specializes in addiction and betrayal trauma. Letting go of the addict’s journey does not mean giving up on the relationship; rather, it is about recognizing where the partner’s power ends and the addict’s response-ability begins.
Letting go also involves releasing the urge to constantly monitor or police the addict’s behavior. This is a natural response for many partners who have been repeatedly lied to, but it ultimately traps them in a cycle of hyper-vigilance and anxiety. By focusing on their own healing, partners can begin to reclaim their sense of self and create a life that is not defined by the addict’s actions.
Seeking Support: The Role of Therapy and Community
Recovery is a journey that no one should have to walk alone. For both partners and addicts, seeking external support is crucial. Therapy offers a safe space to explore painful emotions, develop coping strategies, and work on the skills necessary for healthy communication and boundary-setting.
For partners, therapy can provide validation and understanding that their feelings are normal responses to abnormal situations. It helps partners reconnect with their own needs and values, which can often become obscured by the chaos of addiction. Additionally, support groups for partners, such as Al-Anon, S-Anon, or other local and online communities, offer connection with others who have walked similar paths. This sense of community can be incredibly healing, as it breaks the isolation and stigma that often accompany betrayal trauma.
For addicts, therapy provides an opportunity to delve into the underlying issues that drive their addictive behaviors. This might involve exploring past trauma, addressing shame, and learning new ways to manage stress and emotional pain. Group therapy or 12-step meetings, such as Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) or Sexaholics Anonymous (SA), can also be invaluable. These groups offer a space where addicts can find accountability, share their experiences, and receive support from others committed to recovery.
In couples therapy, both partners can work together on rebuilding trust, improving communication, and addressing the specific dynamics that contribute to ongoing conflict. A skilled therapist can guide the couple through difficult conversations, help each partner express their needs, and create a roadmap for moving forward.
The Power of Empathy: Rebuilding Connection and Trust
One of the most powerful tools in the healing process is empathy. For addicts, learning to empathize with their partner’s pain without becoming defensive is a critical skill. This means listening without interrupting, acknowledging the hurt they have caused, and validating their partner’s feelings—even when it’s uncomfortable.
Empathy is not about self-flagellation or wallowing in guilt. It’s about recognizing the impact of one’s actions and taking steps to repair the harm. For partners, empathy can help them see beyond their addict’s behavior to the underlying struggles that drive it. This doesn’t mean excusing the addict’s actions, but rather understanding that addiction is often a response to deep-seated pain, shame, escape and avoidance, immaturity, early pre-adolescent exposure, and more. Again, NONE of this is an excuse, but can help as a partial explanation and springboard to moving forward.
Steven and Mark emphasize that rebuilding trust is a process that requires consistent effort from both partners. It’s not a linear journey, and setbacks are to be expected. However, when both partners are committed to their own healing and to the relationship, it is possible to move forward.
Conclusion: Navigating the Road Ahead
Navigating the complexities of a relationship strained by addiction and betrayal is no easy task. The question, “Is it my responsibility to make my porn-addicted partner feel comfortable so he will consistently tell me the truth?” reflects a deep-seated struggle faced by many partners. While support and understanding are valuable, it is not the partner’s job to ensure the addict’s honesty. The path to recovery requires account-ability, vulnerability, and a commitment to truth-telling on the part of the addict.
For partners, the journey involves setting clear boundaries, practicing healthy communication, and letting go of the responsibility for the addict’s actions. Both parties have their own work to do, and only by embracing their respective roles can they begin to heal and move forward.
Ultimately, recovery is about more than stopping addictive behaviors. It’s about learning to live in truth, rebuilding broken trust, and creating a relationship where both partners feel seen, heard, and respected. Whether you are the addict or the partner, know that you are not alone. Healing is possible, and with the right support, you can navigate this difficult path together.
If you or someone you know is dealing with similar challenges, consider seeking support through therapy, support groups, or resources like the PBSE podcast and Dare to Connect program. The journey to recovery is a marathon, not a sprint—but with commitment, compassion, and the right tools, you can find your way to a healthier, more authentic life.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program Dare to Connect
Find out more about Steve Moore at Ascension Counseling
Learn more about Mark Kastleman at Reclaim Counseling Services
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