This episode of the PBSE podcast explores the challenges faced by couples dealing with both ADHD and pornography addiction, particularly when one partner insists that the other must manage their recovery. Drawing from a podcast discussion by Steve Moore and Mark Kastlem, it emphasizes the importance of personal responsibility in recovery, while recognizing the legitimate struggles ADHD can present. The article underscores the need for clear boundaries, self-care, and mutual support in relationships impacted by addiction. It highlights that recovery is a shared journey requiring both partners to take ownership of their respective roles, ultimately building a stronger, healthier relationship.
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Inside this Episode:
Introduction: The Challenge of Navigating ADHD and Porn Addiction in a Relationship
In the 243rd episode of the PBSC Squared Podcast, hosts Steve Moore and Mark Kastleman delve into a question submitted by a listener grappling with a complex and emotionally charged issue: Her husband, who has ADHD and a longstanding addiction to pornography, insists that she must manage his recovery for him to succeed. This situation brings to the forefront the struggles of couples dealing with both ADHD and addiction, and raises crucial questions about the roles and responsibilities within a relationship.
Steve and Mark, both experienced in working with clients facing similar challenges, explore this dilemma in depth. They draw from their personal experiences and professional expertise to provide guidance on how to approach recovery when ADHD complicates the process. This article will closely follow their conversation, adding context and insights to expand on the key themes they discussed.
The Listener’s Dilemma: Should I Manage His Recovery?
The listener who submitted the question shared a detailed account of her situation. She and her husband have been friends for nearly two decades, in a relationship for seven years, and married for three. Her husband has struggled with pornography addiction for most of his life—nearly 40 years. She began to suspect something was wrong just before their wedding, and six months after they were married, he confessed to his addiction.
The listener explained that they both have Certified Sex Addiction Therapists (CSATs) who work together as a team, which she described as an "optimal scenario." They have been in therapy for about 18 months. Although she believed her husband was doing well, she recently discovered that he had relapsed. Naturally, she felt hurt and angry after all the work, time, and money invested in his recovery.
Her husband, who has been diagnosed with ADHD, told her that he needs her to take a much larger role in managing his recovery. This would include helping with therapy homework, setting up weekly check-ins, reminding him to make therapy appointments, and regularly checking to ensure he is not using pornography. The listener expressed her reluctance to take on this role, noting that it felt overwhelming and perhaps not the best approach.
Mark and Steve read the listener's story aloud: "My husband has been doing fairly well—or so I thought—but I have just found out that he has been in a relapse for a couple of months. I am, of course, hurt and angry that he would go back down this road after all the work, time, and money that has been invested in his recovery. He very much wants to get back on track but feels that I need to take a much larger role in his recovery."
She continued, "I do not want to have to manage all this for him. He feels that if I truly care and support him, I will understand that because of his ADHD, this is what he needs in order to be successful. I do know that it is not the wise place to do this typically. Is there ever a time or instance when ADHD is present that this could be a healthy, successful approach to both partners' recovery?"
This listener's question is one that many partners of addicts with ADHD might relate to. It raises important concerns about the balance between support and enabling, as well as the emotional toll of taking on such a significant role in someone else's recovery.
Understanding ADHD: Empathy, Challenges, and Realities
Before addressing the listener’s question directly, Steve and Mark took time to discuss the complexities of ADHD and its impact on addiction and recovery. They both have personal experience with ADHD in their families and have worked with many clients who struggle with ADHD alongside their addictions.
"We have tremendous empathy for all those who are challenged by ADHD," Mark said. "I have experienced some of that myself. My wife and I have raised two of our five sons, who have had it severely. And so we have a lot of experience with that personally."
Mark and Steve also noted that a significant number of their male clients exhibit symptoms of ADHD, even if some have not been formally diagnosed. Steve added, "The majority of our male clients over the last 20 plus years have either been diagnosed with ADHD or have some form of it on a spectrum. At least, if not diagnosed, the definite symptoms of it."
ADHD can make it difficult for individuals to manage their time, stay organized, and follow through on tasks—all of which are crucial in a recovery journey. Steve and Mark emphasized that while ADHD presents real challenges, it does not absolve the individual from taking response–ability for their recovery.
"Recovery from addiction, even when complicated by ADHD, requires personal commitment and active participation," they explained. "Relying solely on a partner to manage this process can be counterproductive, potentially stalling both the addict's and the partner's progress in healing."
The Intersection of ADHD and Addiction: A Vicious Cycle
The conversation then turned to the relationship between ADHD and addiction, which is often a vicious cycle. Research has shown that individuals with ADHD are more likely to develop substance use disorders, including addictions to drugs, alcohol, and pornography. This increased risk is often attributed to the impulsivity and difficulty with delayed gratification that are characteristic of ADHD.
For someone with ADHD, engaging in addictive behaviors like pornography use can provide a quick and easy way to escape from the stress and frustration of their symptoms. Unfortunately, this creates a vicious cycle: the addiction exacerbates the symptoms of ADHD, making it even harder to focus on recovery and leading to more addictive behavior.
Steve and Mark acknowledged this cycle in their discussion. "Most of our clients who struggle with ADHD have found that their addiction started as a way to self-medicate," they explained. "Pornography provides a temporary escape from the stress and chaos that often accompany ADHD, but it ultimately makes things worse by reinforcing the patterns of impulsivity and avoidance." Mark and Steve address the relationship between porn addiction and ADHD in much greater detail in the PBSE Podcast, Episode 210—https://www.pbsepodcast.com/post/is-there-a-correlation-between-adhd-porn-sex-addiction-can-you-cope-with-both-collaboratively
The challenge, then, is not just to address the addiction itself, but also to manage the underlying ADHD symptoms in a way that supports recovery. This is where the role of the partner becomes particularly tricky. While it is natural to want to help a loved one who is struggling, it is crucial to ensure that this help does not become enabling.
The Dilemma of Support vs. Enabling: Where to Draw the Line
As Steve and Mark explored the listener’s question, they highlighted the fine line between supporting a partner in recovery and enabling their dependence. It’s a delicate balance that requires careful consideration and clear boundaries.
Mark shared his own struggles with mental illness and addiction, which gave him a unique perspective on the issue. "One of the hardest parts for me," he said, "was how do I, as an individual that has these legitimate mental illness issues in my past, how do I become honest about that and vulnerably face what it means to act on my side, my side of the street in my recovery with all those other factors present? What does it mean to lead out and be proactive? How do I, as someone suffering from mental illness issues, and this guy with ADHD, how do we balance the realities of all that, the limited capacities? How do we have self-compassion? How do we learn what it means to be account–able and response–able when all those factors are present? That is a horrendously hard issue that I have struggled with most of my adult life."
This question of response–ability is central to the listener’s dilemma. On one hand, it’s understandable that someone with ADHD might struggle to manage their recovery on their own. On the other hand, it’s crucial for the individual in recovery to take ownership of their journey, rather than relying on their partner to manage it for them.
Steve and Mark emphasized that for recovery to be successful, the person with ADHD and addiction must take ownership of their journey. This includes acknowledging their challenges and seeking out the tools and resources they need to manage them. The partner’s role is to provide support and encouragement, but not to take over the management of the recovery process.
They were clear that while it is natural for a partner to want to help, it is not their response–ability to manage the other person’s recovery. In fact, doing so can be harmful to both parties.
Mark elaborated on the risks of taking on too much response–ability for a partner's recovery: "I was so buried in my own mental, legitimate mental illness issues. I was completely overwhelmed by my addiction. I was hunkered down in my own stuff fully and completely. And what I had very big difficulty getting in touch with was what was all of this like for my wife?"
The Emotional Toll on the Partner: Recognizing and Addressing Betrayal Trauma
The emotional impact on the partner who has been betrayed by addiction cannot be overstated. Betrayal trauma, a term used to describe the intense pain and disorientation that result from discovering a partner's infidelity or addiction, is a common experience for those in relationships affected by pornography addiction.
Steve and Mark highlighted the importance of recognizing and addressing this trauma: "What was all of this like for my wife? What was she going through with regard to her betrayal trauma? What resources within her own mind and body was she having to expend in order to deal with the fallout and the shock and the betrayal of all of this? How much did that overwhelm her with just having to deal with her own issues because of what I had done? And with all of that and managing our family and taking care of our kids and having a job at times, with all of that, I was then piling on top of her all my stuff!"
Betrayal trauma can manifest in many ways, including anxiety, depression, hyper-vigilance, and a profound sense of loss. The partner may feel as though their entire world has been turned upside down, and they may struggle to trust the person who has hurt them. In some cases, the trauma can be so severe that it leads to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
For the partner who has been betrayed, it is essential to seek support and guidance in their own healing process. This might involve individual therapy, support groups for partners of addicts, or other resources designed to help them cope with the trauma. It is also important for the person in porn addiction recovery to understand the impact of their actions on their partner and to take steps to create a safe and supportive environment for their healing.
Steve and Mark emphasized that this healing process is not just about the partner's recovery; it is also about the addict taking response–ability for their actions and working to rebuild trust in the relationship. "The more I turned to her, the less, the more weak I became," Mark admitted. "I had to lean into the discomfort. I had to put in tremendous effort. It was damn hard, but I am who I am today because of years and years of being willing to open myself to obtaining the skill sets and then practicing with consistency and repetition till it's become second nature.".
The Importance of Boundaries: Protecting Both Partners’ Well-Being
One of the most important aspects of navigating a relationship impacted by ADHD and addiction is establishing clear boundaries. Boundaries are essential for protecting the well-being of both partners and ensuring that the recovery process is healthy and sustainable.
For the partner with ADHD and addiction, boundaries can help to create structure and account–ability in their recovery process. This might involve setting specific goals, establishing routines, and using tools and resources to manage their symptoms. It also means recognizing the limits of what they can expect from their partner and taking response–ability for their own recovery.
For the partner who has been betrayed, boundaries are equally important. They can help to protect their emotional well-being and ensure that they are not overwhelmed by the demands of managing their partner's recovery. Boundaries might include setting limits on how much they are willing to be involved in the recovery process, prioritizing their own healing, and seeking support from others.
Steve and Mark discussed the importance of boundaries in their podcast: "I was so buried in my own mental, legitimate mental illness issues. I was completely overwhelmed by my addiction. I was hunkered down in my own stuff fully and completely. And what I had very big difficulty getting in touch with was what was all of this like for my wife?"
Establishing and maintaining boundaries can be challenging, especially in the context of a relationship that has been affected by addiction and mental health issues. However, it is essential for both partners to recognize the importance of boundaries and to work together to establish them. This might involve seeking the guidance of a therapist or counselor who specializes in addiction and relationships, or it might involve open and honest communication between the partners about their needs and limitations.
The Role of Therapy: Individual and Couples Counseling
Therapy plays a crucial role in the recovery process for both the individual with ADHD and addiction and their partner. Individual therapy can provide a safe space for each partner to explore their own experiences, challenges, and emotions, while couples counseling can help to rebuild trust and communication in the relationship.
For the individual with ADHD and addiction, therapy can help to address the underlying issues that contribute to their addictive behavior. This might include exploring the impact of ADHD on their life, developing strategies for managing their symptoms, and working through any trauma or emotional pain that may be driving their addiction.
Steve and Mark emphasized the importance of therapy in their discussion: "If the symptomology is this severe, we may need medication or a medication change. This is way beyond what you should be experiencing with ADHD if properly medicated and practicing the use of effective tools and routines." They also stressed the importance of exploring all available resources, including therapy, to support the recovery process.
For the partner who has been betrayed, therapy can provide a space to work through the trauma of the addiction and to develop coping strategies for dealing with the impact of the betrayal. It can also help them to establish and maintain boundaries and to navigate the complexities of supporting their partner's recovery while also prioritizing their own healing.
Couples counseling can be particularly valuable for helping both partners to rebuild trust and communication in their relationship. This might involve exploring the impact of the addiction on the relationship, addressing any unresolved issues or conflicts, and developing strategies for moving forward together.
The Importance of Self-Care: Prioritizing Individual Well-Being
One of the key takeaways from Steve and Mark’s discussion is the importance of self-care for both partners in a relationship affected by ADHD and addiction. Self-care is essential for maintaining physical, emotional, and mental well-being, and it is especially important in the context of a relationship that has been impacted by addiction.
For the partner with ADHD and addiction, self-care might involve developing healthy routines, engaging in activities that promote relaxation and stress relief, and seeking support from others. It is also important for them to prioritize their recovery and to take steps to manage their symptoms in a way that supports their overall well-being.
For the partner who has been betrayed, self-care is equally important. This might involve setting aside time for activities that bring joy and relaxation, seeking support from friends or a therapist, and prioritizing their own healing process. It is also important for them to recognize that they are not responsible for managing their partner's recovery and to set boundaries that protect their own well-being.
Steve and Mark emphasized the importance of self-care in their discussion: "I had to put in tremendous effort. It was damn hard for me to establish all the resources, gain the skill sets and knowledge to fill the gaps on all these handicaps that I had in my life. But I am who I am today because of years and years of being willing to open myself to obtaining the skill sets and then practicing with consistency and repetition till it's become second nature."
Moving Forward: Building a Healthy and Supportive Relationship
Building a healthy and supportive relationship in the context of ADHD and addiction is challenging, but it is possible with the right approach. This involves a combination of personal response–ability, collaboration, support, and self-care for both partners.
For the partner with ADHD and addiction, this means taking ownership of their recovery process, seeking out the tools and resources they need to manage their symptoms, and working to rebuild trust and communication in their relationship. It also means recognizing the impact of their actions on their partner and taking steps to create a safe and supportive environment for their healing.
For the partner who has been betrayed, this means prioritizing their own healing, setting boundaries, and seeking support when needed. It also means recognizing that they are not responsible for managing their partner's recovery and focusing on their own well-being.
Steve and Mark concluded their discussion with a message of hope and encouragement: "Recovery is a shared journey, but it requires each person to walk their path with responsibility, empathy, and determination. By working together, using available tools, and maintaining open communication, couples can navigate the challenges of addiction and ADHD, emerging stronger and more connected on the other side."
Conclusion: Empowering Both Partners in the Recovery Process
In conclusion, while ADHD can complicate the recovery process from pornography addiction, it should not lead to one partner bearing the entire response–ability for the other's recovery. Both partners need to establish clear boundaries and expectations, ensuring that the person in recovery is taking proactive steps to manage their condition.
Recovery is not about perfection or doing it alone, but about collaboration, support, and taking ownership of the journey ahead. By working together, using available tools, and maintaining open communication, couples can navigate the challenges of addiction and ADHD, emerging stronger and more connected on the other side.
The insights shared by Steve and Mark provide valuable guidance for couples dealing with the dual challenges of ADHD and addiction. They remind us that recovery is not just about overcoming addiction, but about building a healthy and supportive relationship that allows both partners to thrive.
As we reflect on the listener’s story and the discussion in the podcast, it becomes clear that the journey of recovery is deeply personal and unique to each individual and couple. It requires a commitment to growth, a willingness to face difficult truths, and the courage to take responsibility for one's own actions and well-being. In this journey, both partners must learn to balance their needs, support each other, and build a relationship that is based on mutual respect, understanding, and love.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program Dare to Connect
Find out more about Steve Moore at Ascension Counseling
Learn more about Mark Kastleman at Reclaim Counseling Services
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